life changing discovery of The Let them theory
Are you aware of the let them theory? I wasn’t, I am so glad I am now though.
It was three in the morning when I had the inspiration to write this blog post. There was storm in full force, and I couldn’t sleep. I’m not sure anyone when the wind and rain is so loud would settle very easily. As per usual, a random thought would pop into my head instead of trying to unwind.
I remembered I had an Audible credit available. To be honest, an audio book is my current comfort go to when I want to relax. I struggle to focus on sitting still and reading. Anyway, whilst scrolling various titles; I come across the ‘let them theory’ by Mel Robbins. Without even reading the description to learn more, instantly I knew it was the book of choice. The title related with my current lifestyle and this book would be worthwhile to me.
The author Mel who also read the book on Audible, wrote the let them theory perfectly. The thing is, it’s a fundamentally important theory. Does someone else’s life need to affect your own emotional peace? This mindset hack is simply genius and will work instantaneously as she says. She also hosts a podcast on Spotify which is worth checking out.
Mel quotes this on her website. When you “Let Them” do whatever it is that they want to do. It creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life. Now that I needed to hear right now.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
I mentally tell myself a phrase daily, for me it reminds me what I can and can’t control. This was before I discovered this book. The phrase was ‘not my circus, not my monkeys.’ A phrase I have repeated to myself for a very long time. It helped me a lot to deflect the urge to get involved or take on other stressful problems.Truthfully, I was training my mind to not add more problems to my already heavy load of stress and emotions. I learnt last year that I have to be mindful about how certain involvement can affect me and my stability.
It is very true what Mel would say repeatedly, “let them. If that’s what they chose to do then simply let them“
For as long as I can remember, exhausting myself helping other people had me tightly in it’s grasp. The worst part was that a lot of the time, those people were not appreciative of my effort and empathy. Why was I allowing these situations to cause me that much stress? Eventually, my own mental health suffered. I started to doubt myself. I forgot just how well I had done over the years which didn’t feel nice at all.
Again, Mel says the phrase ‘let them’ several times in the book. This repetition built the foundations I needed to remind myself that I matter, whether people like me or not. Like an epiphany, it just clicked. I knew I really wanted to take this theory and put it into action for myself to continue healing.
Self reflecting on who I am after learning to let them
Therapy has taught me a lot about my own personal journey and what triggers me to become upset or distressed. Sessions have slowly highlighted areas that need improvement and working on which has been eye opening. I didn’t realize just how much past events had affected me. From a young age, I have been easily affected by other people’s actions and opinions of me. Their negative opinions have been a focal point in my poor emotional regulation. Negativity and rumours from others would have a detrimental impact on how I feel about myself and react. A relatable quote I once come across from Albert Einstein was ‘For every action there is a reaction’
This is where the Let them theory comes in perfectly, which I had never been capable to process or comprehend. Think about it, their action doesn’t need a reaction. Which is challenging to learn and adapt. I am still actively continuing to work on this. It’s important for me to understand what is within my control and what isn’t. My reaction is something I control while their prior action is not. Someone’s behaviour or actions is theirs to control and decide, not mine. My energy would simply be wasted trying to express my feelings when the only one to get frustrated, is myself.
Our own response is far more important
Our own response is what matters most. How we chose to respond to someone is what will impact our own healing and growth.
It is very important to be mindful about what is within our control rather than what isn’t. To a degree, we are also accountable. We are responsible for what we allow to disturb our peace. We are also responsible for how we choose to respond. For me that has been an issue which appears in therapy sessions a lot. Being defensive or needing to get my feeling heard would make me emotionally unwell.
I am learning that I don’t need someone else to understand what they done wrong. In fact their opinion doesn’t matter to me and my life at all. This is why I found the Let Them Theory so beautiful. Thank you, Mel, for creating a perfectly worded book. It can change people’s mindsets for the better and this world needs more of that.